so like, it’s summer time. and sew like, my boyfriend loves the sun and doing stuff outside to take advantage of it and I’m like… fuck I just want to look at art and be on my computer all day (mostly, there are times when I would love to be outside) and it’s hard because I just get so fucking tired of being around people and trying to do things I get so stressed out I want to cry and/or die. Not die in the way of taking my own life, but just like put myself on pause for a few days and no one will notice I am gone. Almost like I never existed, and then I’ll push play when I’m ready to exist in society again and everything will be back to normal.

But having a boyfriend who loves you and wants to do things with you is a big problem. Hahaha, no, it is not a problem AT ALL, but you know what I mean… I want to be with him all the time but I also need the time alone in my cave to be comfortable and relax and NOT socialize. He can be there too if he wants, he is one of the few people I can be around like 24/7, but people really take a lot out of me and he is trying to understand. I appreciate that very much.

Also I h8 everything because I do NOT have the ~!summer ready!~ body I want and refuse to get in a bathing suit and swim or anything and all these girls around me can just wear whatever they want and I cry almost once a day about how much I hate the way I look and urgh urgh fuck me.

There are times when I am being emotionally extreme that I wish things were back to the way they were, when I didn’t have to care about another person and I could just sit in my house all summer if I wanted to… but my relationship with Curtis is very easy-going and I am the one who stresses out about things that aren’t even real or going on (as most girls do) and it’s just good for me. He helps me a lot. I am not saying that I don’t want to be dating him because I wouldn’t change anything about our relationship for the world because he is just the best. But shit gets hard in my mind sometimes and I don’t exactly want to talk to him about this girly stuff. It would just be annoying for him because I know he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy and blah blah but I cannot see it myself. I am confused as to why he is attracted to me so much when I just feel like a pile of blubbering fat and 1/2 male. IDK I AM BLABBLING SO MUCH SORRY I haven’t done this in a while. These are completely unedited thoughts so beware. I am being a bit emotional and irrational.

I’m just scared about a lot of things. I didn’t really know how afraid I was because I try not to allow myself to have any faults/weaknesses. I pretend I don’t. I’m just scared a lot. Mostly about the future but that is not a very healthy way to live. I am trying my hardest to not have any ‘self-fulfilling prophecies’ because that tends to happen sometimes. Ahh. It sucks to say, but if my body was in perfect shape my life would be so much better and I would be 100x happier. I know it’s all up to me to start working out and stuff and I AM but fuck it’s really really hard. As I said earlier, my entire life has been a battle with weight and when I was so much skinnier I thought I was fat, and now that I put on a few more pounds I REALLY regret thinking I was fat before when I wasn’t. I’m not now, but I’m just not where I want to be and AHHHH I wish I could feel beautiful and not have it constantly be spoiled. The end. For now.